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Burning with embarrassment

February 13, 2018

Some product warning labels make me feel like an absolute genius. For example, you don’t have to tell me once (let alone twice) not to eat an iPod Shuffle. Or to refrain from pouring hot coffee on my crotch. Or to avoid inserting a screwdriver head into my penis, even if I had one (a penis, that is).

Apparently, however, some folks’ mommas did raise fools. Because companies have been hit with complaints—lawsuits, even—due to a dearth of common sense and the ensuing bodily injury. Hence, in CYA mode, the companies give us ridiculous warning labels.

So it’s with great chagrin that I come clean about a recent mishap of my own that occurred because I ignored a warning label:

I was in the recovery room after a colonoscopy, basking in the post-procedure afterglow that only propofol and a clean bill of health can impart. The nurse had brought me some apple juice and a fruit bar that tasted like cardboard marinated in simple syrup. But I was so ravenous after the prep—swilling 64 ounces of Liquid Plumber for the colon and hours of projectile pooping—that it was like manna from heaven.

My gastroenterologist stopped in, told me I did a great job prepping, and everything looked fine. Relieved to be polyp-free, my inner good girl also felt proud of my clean colon.

So, free to go home, I got out of bed and spied a container of wipes on the sink. Given what I’d just been through (or, more accurately, what had been through me), I decided to tidy up my backside before getting dressed.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Turns out, I’d wiped my nether region with disinfecting wipes intended for “hard, non-porous surfaces.” My butt was anything but (even when I was younger). And oh, did it burn. I frantically fanned my rear end with the flaps of my hospital gown, trying to cool it down, while bouncing from one foot to another. Finally, I thought to wet some paper towels and douse the fire. All of which my husband witnessed.

The wipes container label had clearly warned, “Do not use as a diaper wipe or for personal cleansing.” It also had drawings of the various items the wipes can be used on (nary a derriere among them). I just hadn’t read it.

In my defense, I was medicated. But (you should pardon the conjunction), I’d also been cautioned to not make important decisions for 24 hours post-procedure since anesthesia can impair one’s judgment. I just never realized the choice of personal cleansing wipes was such an earth (and dignity)-shattering consideration.

Now I know better. As the saying goes, once burned, twice shy.

 

 


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  • 37 thoughts on “Burning with embarrassment

    1. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG I love you.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Michelle, you made my day!

    2. Notma says:

      Oh, Roxanne, I have just had the best belly laugh. Unfortunately at your expense. I can just see that whole encounter with the wrong wipes. Hopping and wild flapping, whoops just started laughing again. Frank goes in next month, I will make sure all the wipes are “honey” approved.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Your comment cracked me up, Norma! Glad to provide a belly laugh! Thanks for sharing! XO

    3. Norma says:

      BTW we have missed you.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Aw, thanks. I’m hoping to post at least once a month…

    4. Barbara says:

      LOL! I can only imagine that startling realization! wow. But, only you can make it funny!
      b

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thanks so much, Barbara! My sphincter tightens whenever I see a container of wipes now…:-)

    5. Why doesn’t propofol dim memories of burning nether regions? Does it have selective memory loss? Bwahahaha! You win the prize for the hottest butt, Roxanne!

      1. Roxanne says:

        A dubious distinction, Molly! But thank you nonetheless!

    6. Victor Carr says:

      Notwithstanding your unpleasantness using a Trumptissue, I’m glad to hear that you have a clean bill of health.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Ha–so I can blame #45 for my burning behind??? Gawd knows he gets my temperament steaming!

    7. Patricia Giramma says:

      Hysterical! You give new meaning to the term “afterburn.”

      1. Roxanne says:

        Good one, Trisha! Thanks for commenting!

    8. Mike says:

      Roxanne, that just made my day.

      1. Roxanne says:

        And your comment made mine! Thanks, Mike!

    9. Lynne Spreen says:

      Oh, Roxanne! This was so funny I read it to my husband. When I got to the end he said, I guess she was a hot piece of ass! I hope you cooled off fast and didn’t suffer any lasting reminders!

      1. Roxanne says:

        Ha! My ass was, indeed, hot–but not in a good way! Thankfully, the wet paper towel cooled things down and there were no long-lasting after-effects! Thanks so much for commenting, Lynne.

    10. Laurie Stone says:

      Ouch, Roxanne! Sounds painful, but thank God you didn’t use it on your lady parts. That might’ve been even worse. Still…

      1. Roxanne says:

        Major ouch, Laurie! And yes, it was painful (and painfully embarrassing!). Thanks for commenting!

    11. Alana says:

      I can’t see why this wouldn’t have won any humor contest, because you deserve a win here. This is a true Post Colonoscopy Fail!

      1. Roxanne says:

        I appreciate your affirmation on the essay, Alana! And that’s the perfect characterization of my experience: post-colonoscopy fail. Oh, yes!

    12. Beth Havey says:

      Yes, you cracked me up. I’ll think of this whenever I…well whatever.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Your comment cracked ME up, Beth! That I’ll be associated with, well, whatever…! 🙂

    13. Lee Gaitan says:

      HAH!! Propofol is so lovely, but it does leave you groggy! My sister sprayed her underarms with Raid and I ate nearly a whole box of graham crackers with no memory of it–but the crumbs all through my bed proved it!

      1. Roxanne says:

        OMG–Raid on her underarms!?!? That must have smarted (and/or stunk)! And you with the graham crackers–hysterical. Thanks for sharing, Lee!

      2. But I bet your sister didn’t have any ants under her arms did she? So who had the last laugh!

    14. Sarah says:

      Those wipes look a lot like bum wipes! Thank you for sharing this intimate hilarious story. All I did post colonoscopy was spill my V8 all over my pants.

      1. Roxanne says:

        They DO look alike (especially when one is under the influence!). You can be sure I’ll always make sure they’re bum wipes in the future…Thanks for commenting, Sarah!

    15. All I could hear as I read what you did was Johnny Cash singing Burning Ring Of Fire. Ouch! Thanks for the laugh! And by the way, a relative who had thrush on his willy (we don’t say penis in the UK, we’re quite repressed) accidentally picked up the Deep Heat cream instead of Canesten. He’s dead now. Not because of the Deep Heat but I can’t imagine it helped.

      1. Roxanne says:

        OMG, Gilly–I can only imagine the discomfort that produced (the cream, I mean, not his death). And your comment made me snort-laugh!

    16. margaret says:

      HA!! Welcome Back My Friend! I have missed you!

      BTW, I have given up on reading those warnings because the print is too small! Now, I’m scared!

      1. Roxanne says:

        Be afraid…be very afraid…or look at the pictures (assuming they’re big enough!). XO

    17. OMG! It hurts just reading it. Ouch!

      1. Roxanne says:

        I appreciate your, um, empathy! 🙂

    18. Haralee says:

      I have missed you and sorry! I used to work for CB Fleet, the pharmaceutical company that makes enemas. Fleet had to make the tip of the enema in neon orange with big warnings to remove the protective cover because people were sticking it up their butts and not understanding why the enema didn’t work! They also used to make a solution that they removed from the market because people were drinking too much and had the potential of pooping themselves to death!

      1. Roxanne says:

        I have missed your comments, Haralee!

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