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54 things I never thought I’d say

March 20, 2017

One recent Sunday, a friend asked if I’d seen a certain skit on SNL the night before. I heard myself reply, “No, I can’t stay up that late, but I’ll check it out online.”

Then I thought: OMG, did I really just say that? Have I turned into an old fart who nods off after dinner? I also silently gave myself props for knowing how to access SNL videos on my laptop, affirming that I’m not completely out of touch.

But it got me to thinking how a lot of things that come out of my mouth now that I’m in my sixties are statements I never thought I’d make, especially when I was in my twenties or thirties.

I also realized there are other phrases I utter that my 20-something self would have no idea WTF I’m talking about (like the WTF acronym) because our popular culture has changed so much in 40-plus years.

So I figured I’d better write down some of these utterances before I forget them. Here goes:

  • Having a good bowel movement is one of the most satisfying things in life
  • I can’t eat chocolate because it triggers my acid reflux
  • The music’s too loud—can you please turn it down?
  • I’m too old for (whatever)
  • I tweet a few times each day (“What’s a tweet?” my 20-something self would ask)
  • I post a new blog once a week (What’s a blog?)
  • I’ll text you (What’s a text?)
  • “Golden Showers” is trending on Twitter in relation to the president of the United States
  • A former soft-porn model is the first lady of the United States
  • “No, thanks” when offered a drink
  • Can’t we just cuddle?
  • The show starts at 10:00 p.m.? Forget it; I’m in bed by then.
  • I can’t wear those shoes—the heels are too high
  • Hold the French fries
  • I’ll be eligible for Medicare in just over a year
  • I can’t believe I’ve been a member of AARP for 13 years
  • I have a grandson
  • I can’t read that without glasses (and the related, “Where the f*ck are my glasses?”)
  • We’ll Uber to the airport (What’s Uber?)
  • Hell, I don’t need to put on makeup to go to the grocery store
  • Is it hot in here or is it just me?
  • I need a bigger bra
  • I’ll take a picture with my phone (Huh?)
  • Hey, there’s a how-to article in the Sunday paper about growing your own marijuana, now that it’s legal
  • I just paid $140 for a pair of jeans (that was once my monthly rent!)
  • I just paid $150 for eye cream
  • I just peed my pants from laughing
  • I like wearing pants with an elastic waist
  • Have I got food on my face?
  • My ass is flat
  • What did I come in here for?
  • Sure, I’ll take the senior discount
  • We need a nightlight in the bedroom
  • I really don’t like to drive at night
  • That first meal after having a colonoscopy is better than sex
  • I’m older than all my doctors
  • Cool—our new condo already has a grab bar in the shower
  • Comfort-height toilets are the best
  • I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night
  • I used to think that having a tan made me look healthy
  • At our age, it’s good to carry a little extra weight
  • If I drink more than two glasses of wine, it takes me three days to recover
  • I haven’t been carded in decades
  • Mick Jagger is 73 years old and the Stones are still performing in concert
  • Can you believe Keith Richards is still alive?
  • I just don’t get a lot of the music kids listen to today
  • I’d rather live in a small town than a big city
  • SNL has been on television for 42 years
  • I don’t have to pluck my eyebrows anymore—but I do have to pluck moustache and chin hairs
  • Have you gotten your shingles shot?
  • I’m starting to sound like my mother
  • Ask Siri (Who the hell is Siri?)
  • I really don’t care what other people think

And perhaps the #1 thing I never thought I’d say—at least not without guilt—is:

  • No

So, fellow baby boomers, what do you find yourself saying at this age—utterances your younger self never thought you’d make? While you’re thinking about it, here’s this week’s haiku:

One thing you learn as
you get older is you should
never say never.

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  • 20 thoughts on “54 things I never thought I’d say

    1. Haralee says:

      These are great! I would add; I fell down today. I was walking and then I was on the ground but I am fine.
      I can only drink decaf
      I am lactose intolerant
      Keith Richards still smokes and is still alive

      1. Roxanne says:

        Yes, yes, yes and yes! The falling thing–that’s a biggie! Thanks for commenting, Haralee!

    2. Jennufer says:

      These are all wonderful and so true. This winter I’ve found myself saying to myself and hubby, “slow down, you don’t want to fall and break a hip” and “where are my ice walkers?”

      1. Roxanne says:

        The fear of breaking-a-hip thing–who woulda thunk it, huh? The worst thing that used to come out of a fall was skinned knees! thanks for commenting!

    3. Victor says:

      1. It was the dog.
      2. What color is her hair?
      3. Why can’t kids dress decently?
      4. He/she actually dressed like that on purpose.
      5. Rollercoasters make me sick.
      6. Such filthy language in the movies/on TV.
      7. Lucille Ball was the best.
      8. Can you pick that up for me?

      1. Roxanne says:

        I can relate to all of these, Victor (except in our house, #1 is “It was the cat.”).

    4. Renee says:

      I think I have said all of these…and sometimes in one day…

      1. Roxanne says:

        Ha! I’ve had days like that, too! Thanks for adding to the conversation, Renee!

    5. Laurie Stone says:

      Its scary all the things I say now I thought I’d never say.Too loud music really bugs me, where when I was young, I loved it. Oh well.

      1. Roxanne says:

        I hear you 🙂 I even have to turn down the radio when I’m driving someplace I’m not familiar with–the music is just too distracting when I’m trying to follow directions. Never thought I’d see the day…!

    6. margaret says:

      I thought I would never say my daughters are 43 and 41.

      I thought I would never say that I need to go home now.

      I thought I would never say that I really do need to take a nap….this is not a choice.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Ah, yes, the nap! Remember how we used to resist it? Those days are over!!! 🙂

    7. LOL These are great! I was nodded my head on many of them. Amazing!

      Thanks for the giggles and a trip down memory lane!

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thanks for your comment, Bren. Giggles are good!

    8. Oh yes Roxanne I think I might be guilty of saying most of these. Love the Keith Richards one, I thought I might be the only one to think that! Have a great day and enjoy the freedom of being able to say what we think at this stage of life.

      1. Roxanne says:

        That IS one of the absolute best things about being at this stage of life, isn’t it–to be able to say what we think? Thanks for your comment, Sue–and the affirmation!

    9. You did such a good job with your complete list it’s hard to add to it, but I say this quite frequently with a great deal of relief, “We don’t have any plans this weekend, right?”

      1. Roxanne says:

        Oh, Molly–that’s a really good one! I find myself saying that a lot, too–also with a great deal of relief! When I was younger, a weekend without plans was just about the worst thing that could happen (fueled, no doubt, by FOMO–fear of missing out). Thanks for your comment!

    10. Sheena says:

      Loved your list! I have said almost all of those. I would add, that I don’t want to sleep in the plane and that I don’t want to fly to places that require more than 10 hours. We now travel to South America during the day and break up the trip half way! Also I could add that I can’t eat things that alter my INR. New word if you have never been on coumadin! Also don’t fall/ break something. Don’t like loud music in the car. And mostly I don’t have patience for selfish people. Hugs and enjoyed your blog!

      1. Roxanne says:

        Great list, Sheena! Remember when flying was a great adventure? Not any more, huh? Thanks so much for commenting!

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