54 things I never thought I’d sayMarch 20, 2017
One recent Sunday, a friend asked if I’d seen a certain skit on SNL the night before. I heard myself reply, “No, I can’t stay up that late, but I’ll check it out online.”
Then I thought: OMG, did I really just say that? Have I turned into an old fart who nods off after dinner? I also silently gave myself props for knowing how to access SNL videos on my laptop, affirming that I’m not completely out of touch.
But it got me to thinking how a lot of things that come out of my mouth now that I’m in my sixties are statements I never thought I’d make, especially when I was in my twenties or thirties.
I also realized there are other phrases I utter that my 20-something self would have no idea WTF I’m talking about (like the WTF acronym) because our popular culture has changed so much in 40-plus years.
So I figured I’d better write down some of these utterances before I forget them. Here goes:
- Having a good bowel movement is one of the most satisfying things in life
- I can’t eat chocolate because it triggers my acid reflux
- The music’s too loud—can you please turn it down?
- I’m too old for (whatever)
- I tweet a few times each day (“What’s a tweet?” my 20-something self would ask)
- I post a new blog once a week (What’s a blog?)
- I’ll text you (What’s a text?)
- “Golden Showers” is trending on Twitter in relation to the president of the United States
- A former soft-porn model is the first lady of the United States
- “No, thanks” when offered a drink
- Can’t we just cuddle?
- The show starts at 10:00 p.m.? Forget it; I’m in bed by then.
- I can’t wear those shoes—the heels are too high
- Hold the French fries
- I’ll be eligible for Medicare in just over a year
- I can’t believe I’ve been a member of AARP for 13 years
- I have a grandson
- I can’t read that without glasses (and the related, “Where the f*ck are my glasses?”)
- We’ll Uber to the airport (What’s Uber?)
- Hell, I don’t need to put on makeup to go to the grocery store
- Is it hot in here or is it just me?
- I need a bigger bra
- I’ll take a picture with my phone (Huh?)
- Hey, there’s a how-to article in the Sunday paper about growing your own marijuana, now that it’s legal
- I just paid $140 for a pair of jeans (that was once my monthly rent!)
- I just paid $150 for eye cream
- I just peed my pants from laughing
- I like wearing pants with an elastic waist
- Have I got food on my face?
- My ass is flat
- What did I come in here for?
- Sure, I’ll take the senior discount
- We need a nightlight in the bedroom
- I really don’t like to drive at night
- That first meal after having a colonoscopy is better than sex
- I’m older than all my doctors
- Cool—our new condo already has a grab bar in the shower
- Comfort-height toilets are the best
- I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night
- I used to think that having a tan made me look healthy
- At our age, it’s good to carry a little extra weight
- If I drink more than two glasses of wine, it takes me three days to recover
- I haven’t been carded in decades
- Mick Jagger is 73 years old and the Stones are still performing in concert
- Can you believe Keith Richards is still alive?
- I just don’t get a lot of the music kids listen to today
- I’d rather live in a small town than a big city
- SNL has been on television for 42 years
- I don’t have to pluck my eyebrows anymore—but I do have to pluck moustache and chin hairs
- Have you gotten your shingles shot?
- I’m starting to sound like my mother
- Ask Siri (Who the hell is Siri?)
- I really don’t care what other people think
And perhaps the #1 thing I never thought I’d say—at least not without guilt—is:
So, fellow baby boomers, what do you find yourself saying at this age—utterances your younger self never thought you’d make? While you’re thinking about it, here’s this week’s haiku:
One thing you learn as
you get older is you should
never say never.
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