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Christmas carol lyrics co-opted for baby boomers

December 19, 2016

‘Tis the season of Christmas carol earworms. It’s hard to avoid these suckers since it seems as if we’ve been bombarded with holiday music since Labor Day.

So if you can’t get a Christmas melody out of your head, why not have some fun with it and change up the lyrics? I propose:

For the holidays
let’s start a new tradition
of boomer carols.

Here for your listening pleasure (I hope) are new words for seven popular Christmas songs—written especially for those of us who weren’t born yesterday:

O Sleepless Night (to the tune of O Holy Night)

O sleepless night, my thoughts are wildly churning

It is a night when I can’t make them stop.

I long lie in bed, tossing and turning

Contemplating which pill to pop.

A thrill of hope, as torpor overtakes me

Til yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall into sleep

And hear no spouse a-snoring

O night divine

O night, when I get eight hours

Or maybe nine

O night, o night divine!

 

Hot Flash Hell (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Through the snow I dash

Peeling clothes off as I go

Another damn hot flash

Has me sweating so

It’s not just my pits

That flush with heat and sweat

Oh what a pain is to schvitz

Until I’m dripping wet.

 

Oh, hot flash hell, hot flash hell

Clothes that bind and tie

Sometimes I must peel ‘em off

Cause I think I’m gonna die

Duvets of down, flannel gowns

Keep me warm at first

But then I have to peel ‘em off

Or into flames I burst.

 

Away in a Mood Swing (to the tune of Away in a Manger)

Away in a mood swing, no patience for shit,

I’m pissy as hell and want something to hit.

And then I get back to somewhat even-keeled

Til I see a commercial that triggers the feels.

 

I bawl my eyes out over kittens and pups

Like a maudlin lush wallowing in one’s cups.

Then moments later I imagine a slight

When someone asks me if I’m feeling all right.

 

Oh, menopause madness, you really do suck

‘Cause some days I feel like I’m crazy as fuck.

Lord, give me the strength to get through this damn change

And emerge when it ends somewhat less deranged.

 

Lost Libido (to the tune of Silent Night)

Lost libido

Where did you go?

My sex drive

Is so low

I’d rather read than do the deed

A good cuddle is all that I need

And to sleep in heavenly peace,

Sleep in heavenly peace.

 

Lost libido

Where did you go

Husbands pray

To get laid

We buy lube and give it a try

It hurts a bit but we don’t die

And Hubs is happy again

Hubs is happy again.

 

Dicks’ Shortfall (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Men are popping little blue pills

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

They think hard-ons are a big thrill

Fa la la la la, la la la la

When we say we’d rather cuddle

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

They look at us all befuddled

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

 

We explain we want affection

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Not a long-lasting erection

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Thinning ‘ginas can’t take pounding,

Fa la la la la, la la la la

But men’s egos are astounding

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Gals are happy with a foot rub

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Or a nice soak in a hot tub

Fa la la la la, la la la la

We find pleasure in just stroking

Fa la la la la, la la la la

But it’s not sex lest there’s poking

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

So we get the lube a-flowing

Fa la la la la, la la la la

And we get your Yule log glowing

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

Then spread our cache of Christmas cheer

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

Like Santa, we come once a year

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

 

Jiggle Butt Rock

Jiggle butt, jiggle butt, jiggle butt rock

Jiggle butt swing and jiggle butt fling

Weight gain and gravity have hit my buns

Now the jiggle butt has begun.

Jiggle butt, jiggle butt, jiggle butt rock

Jiggle butt sways in jiggle butt ways

Dancing and prancing in jiggle butt Spanx

Keeps my butt contained.

What a tight fit, it’s the right fit

To rock the night away

Jiggle butt time is the right time

To put the size small leggings away.

Giddy-up jiggle horse, pick up your feet

I jiggle around the clock

Mix and a-mingle in the jiggling beat

That’s the jiggle butt rock.

 

Menopause (to the tune of Silver Bells)

Menopause, menopause

It’s time to stop ovulating.

Months go by, my eggs die

Soon I’ll be period free.

 

Shifting hormones, drifting hormones

Make me moody as hell;

In the air there’s a feeling of madness.

People laughing, I’m hot flashing

Drinking wine after wine

And among all my girlfriends I hear…

 

Menopause, menopause

It’s time to stop ovulating

Months go by, my eggs die

Soon I’ll be period free.

 

Midlife weight gain, what a damn pain

And I can’t sleep for shit,

But I won’t need tampons much longer.

All my skin sags, my eyes have bags,

It’s my womb’s big swan song;

And above all these changes you hear…

 

Menopause…(repeat chorus)

So, what do you think—want to go caroling around the neighborhood?

 

 

 


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  • 22 thoughts on “Christmas carol lyrics co-opted for baby boomers

    1. Norma says:

      Too funny,, can’t name a favorite. Might be Dick’s shortfall or o libido. They had me laughing out loud on a gray foggy Monday morning. Thanks and Merry Christmas to you and Hubs.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thanks, Norma! Your comment is warmth on a cold Maine Monday!

    2. I love these! What a great start to a Monday morning! I’ll be singing these all day!

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thanks, Rena! If you gotta have an ear worm, it might as well be relevant, huh?

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thanks very much for joining the conversation!

    3. Haralee says:

      You have a talent! I thought 1 or 2 songs but you are on a roll!! Too clever and too funny!

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thanks, Haralee! When I have an “O Sleepless Night,” I make up new song lyrics…:-)

    4. Nearly laughed myself into a coma! Lost Libido is my favourite but they are all brilliant. Sorry to say I can relate 🙁

      1. Roxanne says:

        Your comment is music to my ears, Gilly!

    5. MaryAnn says:

      OMG. Too funny and too true. Going to have a hard time not laughing when I hear these songs. Merry Christmas

      1. Roxanne says:

        Merry Christmas to you, too! And thanks so much for your comment!

    6. I’ve been experiencing the O Sleepness Nights one of late!
      As always, these are so clever.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thank you, Walker! I think sleeplessness has been one of the worst aspects of peri- and post-menopause. I used to be a champion sleeper, but no longer. It has gotten a bit better as I’ve moved into my 60s, and I’ve learned a few things that seem to help (unfortunately, abstaining from alcohol seems to be one of them!). And staying off devices (unless wearing glasses with special yellow-tinted lenses that cut down on the blue light that disrupts our ability to sleep).

    7. Molly Stevens says:

      These are hilarious Roxanne. I think a soft rendition of Little Drummer Boy in the background would add a lot to Dick’s Shortfall. All that pay rum pay pay pahing is a real turn on. Hahaha!

      1. Roxanne says:

        I’m adding Little Drummer Boy to next year’s collection of boomer carols (I’ve decided to make reworking Christmas carol lyrics an annual Boomer Haiku blog tradition)–it’s got GREAT potential! So thanks for the suggestion–and your comment–Molly!

    8. Teri says:

      Agree with comments ! These are brilliant. They need to be posted to a bunch of sites so other boomers can enjoy. Maybe a line of Christmas cards for next year?
      Your creativity has not succumbed to old age that’s for sure. Hohoho

      1. Roxanne says:

        Ho, ho, ho, indeed! Thanks for your comment, my friend!

    9. Seriously funny shit! You do such a beautiful job with these!!!

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thank you, Carol! That means a lot coming from you! Merry Christmas!

    10. LOL! Love the midlife, or as you say, boomer tunes! Perfect.

      1. Roxanne says:

        Thanks, Tam! Happy holidays to you!

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